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The Bottom 10 is hooked on bad losses

The Bottom 10 inspirational thought of the week:

Yo ho, yo ho, a pirate’s life for me

We kindle and char, inflame and ignite

Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho

We burn up the city, we’re really a fright

Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho

We’re rascals, scoundrels, villains and knaves

Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho

We’re devils and black sheep … and really bad eggs

Drink up, me ‘earties, yo ho

“A Pirate’s Life For Me” — “Pirates of the Caribbean”

On a blistering Saturday morning in Uptown Charlotte, North Carolina, I was walking off the set of SEC Nation when I heard my name being shouted by a couple of dudes standing along the railing, the only ones not waiting on Tim Tebow. The upcoming Tennessee-West Virginia game be damned, they were dressed head-to-toe in purple and gold East Carolina Pirates gear.

“Hey man, how bad are we?” one asked me. Before I could answer, his friend did it for me: “Pretty damn bad, dude. But at least we know we won’t be in the Bottom 10 this week. We’ll win today. We’re playing North Carolina A&T.”

ECU ended up not playing on Saturday because of lightning. It also ended up not playing on Sunday. Problem was there was a game on Sunday. And when it was over, it felt like Greenville had been struck by lightning again, the Pirates’ chance to win undone by a final drive and Hail Mary attempt that was executed only slightly more poorly than “Caddyshack II.”

Then, the Aggies poured salt water into the Pirates’ wounds when the coach endorsed A&T’s paycheck in the visitors locker room.

Lol @FOOTBALL_NCAT coach Washington! @NCATAGGIES#AggiePridepic.twitter.com/zvNTA7IzNQ

— N.C. A&T Athletics (@NCATAGGIES) September 3, 2018

At the Charlotte airport Sunday night, I saw another man dressed in purple and gold. I held up my index finger, hooked, and said, “Argh!” He responded by extending the finger next to his index finger and saying, “Ugh.”

With apologies to the Captain Jack Sparrow and Steve Harvey, here’s the Bottom 10.

1. UTEPID (0-1)

With all due respect to @RyanECU, even the ship that ran aground at Dowdy-Ficklen Stadium failed to produce a debris field as large as the one in El Paso on Saturday. The Miners fell 30-10 to Northern Arizona, a team picked to finish third in the FCS Big Sky Conference. Sources tell me talks have already started for the 2019 matchup to forgo actual football and instead have Paydirt Pete and Louie the Lumberjack participate in a battle of dangerous, hand-held tools.

2. EC-Yew (0-1)

As my friend Ed Hardin — sportswriter extraordinaire from Greensboro, North Carolina — observed from Greenville, the A&T Aggies had 22 fewer players, were smaller on both lines, finished the game with only one healthy offensive lineman and had their backup QB behind center … yet it was East Carolina that was scrambling at game’s end. Tobacco Road now needs to prepare itself for the Pillow Fight of the Week: Episode II, when UNC, which just picked up its 14th loss in 17 games, travels to meet the Pirates.

3. Kansas Nayhawks (0-1)

Kansas also lost to an FCS school, Nicholls State. But that came in overtime, so it wasn’t as bad of an FCS loss as the previously mentioned FCS losses. Then again, maybe it was worse. “The sun will come up tomorrow,” head coach David Beaty said after the game. And it did. And then it came down to set. And Kansas muffed it.

4. San No-se State (0-1)

So where did this outbreak of FCS losing fever start? We have tracked the source to CEFCU Stadium, where the Trojans suffered the first FCS-over-FBS loss of 2018 when they were defeated by the UC Davis Aggies. So, if you’re scoring at home (and we are), the top four teams of the Bottom 10 lost to FCS schools, and two of them were Aggies. In related news, another set of Aggies is going to really enjoy the next team in our rankings …

5. Texas (0-1)

Few college football programs can match the burnt orange list of traditions they have down in Austin. Stuff such as banging on Big Bertha, singing “The Eyes of Texas,” Bevo stalking on the sideline … and spending an early-season week here in the Coveted Fifth Spot after losing to Maryland for second year in a row.

6. Ore-gone State (0-1)

The Beavers traveled 2,500 miles to lose by 47 points at Ohio State. I look forward to Urban Meyer’s comments on the victory via an ill-timed tweet written by his attorneys.

7. State of Kent (0-1)

The State of Kent fell to the State of Illinois in the season’s first Pillow Fight of the Week. This year, they also will face Penn State, Ball State and Bowling Green State and are likely to fall into a deep state of despair.

8. Old Dominion (0-1)

Last week, we here at Bottom 10 HQ were inundated with decidedly non-biblical Twitter sermons from angry Liberty University fans unhappy that we had the Flames in our preseason rankings on the eve of their first season in the big leagues. After they won their first FBS game, 52-10 over the ODU Monarchs, one fired-up Flames supporter tweeted to me “Old Dominion said ‘Give me Liberty or give me death’ and they got both!”

9. Myrtle Beach U. Chanticleers (0-1)

The Coastal Carolina Chanticleers (a fancy way of describing a fighting chicken) lost to the South Carolina Gamecocks (also a fancy way of describing a fighting chicken). Now they just need to schedule games with the Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens, Virginia Tech Hokies, Pomona College Sagehens and the Horry County Charter School Cockfighters, though they might want to investigate that last one. It doesn’t sound entirely legal.

10. Colora-duh State (0-2)

The Rams have been ramrodded two weeks in a row, one of only two 0-2 teams in the nation, and their next two games are against SEC opponents, Arkansas and Florida. Suddenly, that Oct. 6 trip to San No-se State is feeling kind of huge. Like, “Pillow Fight of the Century/hosting Bottom 10 GameDay” huge.

Waiting list: Old Mexico State (0-2), Charlotte 1-and-0’ers (1-0), SMU (0-1), Minute Rice (0-1), Ill-Noise (1-0), Texas State Armadillos (0-1), Boiling Green (0-1), U-Can’t (0-1), ending games by throwing running backs onto their heads after the whistle has blown six times.

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